


Our love story was never epic

by InkQuillz



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Angst, Audio 011: Broken (Torchwood), Audio 029: Serenity (Torchwood), Children of Earth Compliant, Episode: s01e10 Out of Time, Episode: s01e12 Captain Jack Harkness, Episode: s02e04 Meat, Falling In Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Not Miracle Day Compliant, Post-Season/Series 02, s02ep05 Adam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-15
Updated: 2020-04-22
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:29:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 12,443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23673886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InkQuillz/pseuds/InkQuillz
Summary: Been re-watching early modern Who and Torchwood and since I've nowhere to go, I started writing fanfics again. This is the result. An angsty love story for two of my favourite characters.Jack remembers all of Ianto's 'I love yous' and regrets that he never said it back. Each chapter can be read as a standalone and mainly features just Jack and Ianto.Updates daily.
Relationships: Jack Harkness/Ianto Jones, Jack Harkness/Other(s)
Comments: 52
Kudos: 79





	1. The time Ianto said he didn't mean it

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first chapter of a series of one shots. All in Jacks POV. To help give a guideline of times, each chapter will reference events in an episode to give you an idea of when it's set.
> 
> This is my first fanfic in a few years (and I'm kicking off with a sex scene?) and my first dabble into Torchwood fanfic, despite it being a show I've loved for years. I hope you enjoy it, feel free to give constructive criticism in the comments. No beta so hopefully it's ok.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ianto lets the words slip out. Jack can't help but tease him.

“Oh.” Ianto gasped, he clutched Jack’s shoulders, pressing him down so there was no space between their sweat slicked bodies, his hips moving to the rhythm that Jack set as he kissed and bit at Jack’s neck and shoulders. When Jack hit his prostate again, Ianto’s eyes rolled back and he gasped loudly, fingernails digging into soft skin.

“’m close.” Jack grunted into his ear and Ianto could only moan an agreement, his legs tightened their hold around Jack’s lower back, finding a new lease of energy as his orgasm approached. 

“God. God. Yes.” Ianto hissed and rocked his hips up into Jack, Jack responded with a sharp snap of his hips, he loved how vocal Ianto was in bed. All day Ianto played the part of strait-laced Archivist but Jack could always make him come undone. 

“Jack… Jack. Oh god. Jack. I love you!” Ianto came and in an unconscious effort to take back the words he’d said, he bit down on Jack’s shoulder, the sudden bolt of pain and the intense pleasure of Ianto’s clenched hole sent Jack over the edge as well. It was just as well, a confession like that earlier in the night might have dampened his libido somewhat.

He collapsed into Ianto’s arms, the heavy panting the only sounds the two of them made until Jack recovered enough to roll into the empty space on the bed. He watched as the Welshman caught his breath and then sat up. His cheeks were tinted the gorgeous pink they always took on when he was embarrassed and Jack smiled, all thoughts of serious discussion out the window. At least for the moment.

“Where you goin’?” He whined and held out his hand to stop Ianto going any further. 

“Need to clean up.” Ianto replied without looking at him, he swung his legs over the side of the bed so that his back was to Jack. “I’ll bring you a cloth.”

“Nah, I’ll have a shower later. Lay down.” He lent on one elbow and used his free hand to forcefully pull the Welshman back into the bed. “Do we need to talk about what you said?” He asked, once Ianto was once again flat against the pillows. Jack had arranged them so that Ianto’s back was pressed to Jack’s torso, his own strong arms wrapped tightly around him to keep the younger man pinned where he was. From this angle, Jack had a perfect view of Ianto’s face in profile and could see the heat rising up his face, the pink tint now a rosy red.

“Jack.” He said with a sigh, eyes closed like he thought that would make a difference to how this conversation would play out.

“Do you love me?” Jack teased and gave Ianto’s belly a light tickle, which ordinarily would have made him laugh and try to wiggle away. Instead, today he simply tensed up.

“Can’t we just forget I said anything?” Ianto asked, eyes still closed and his voice terse.

Jack laughed, “Of course you love me, what’s not to love... I’m dashing, heroic, I’ve got movie star charisma. I’m a catch.” Ianto smiled back but it was awkward. “You can admit it, Ianto Jones, you love me. I’m brilliant.” He kissed Ianto’s cheek, loud and wet, making a show of it. He usually found laughing these sorts of things off worked a treat.

“Yeah, exactly. Movie star charisma, exactly what it is. Are you going to let me get up and get clean?” Ianto asked, his voice still stiff and his body tense, though he had relaxed a little.

“Sure, want me to come wash your back?” He released him and Ianto was up and across the room in record time. Usually Ianto enjoyed the leisurely kisses and touches of post-coital laziness. 

“No.” He said simply and vanished into the bathroom. He returned half an hour later, hair still damp and wearing a bathrobe Jack had stolen for him. He and Tosh had been forced to visit Torchwood Two last month; Jack had procured the robe after the hotel had fucked their room assignments up and he and Tosh had been forced to share a single room. He’d slept on the sofa; his neck had hurt for a week after. 

The former Time Agent hadn’t moved from his spot, he’d dozed off, comfortable and sated but he opened his eyes now, and focused a lazy smile in Ianto’s direction.

“Coming back to bed now?” Ianto nodded, slipping the robe off his shoulders. Jack was disappointed to realise he was wearing his boxers. He preferred the feel of a naked body if he was going to share a bed with someone. 

Ianto was oddly quiet as he slipped back into the bed and pulled the sheets over him, he wouldn’t meet Jack’s eye. In response, Jack gave him a sharp poke in the ribs. “Oi, come on. Shake it off now. People say stupid stuff they don’t mean during sex all the time. I’m not judging you. I once had sex with a guy on Space Station Ten, he had two dicks and a mouth like you wouldn’t believe, told him I loved him repeatedly over the course of those five hours. To be honest I might have meant it.” Jack laughed at his own joke but Ianto looked at him strangely, an unreadable expression on his face. Jack had always prided himself on being able to read what anyone was thinking but Ianto was a mystery, it was how he’d gotten away with hiding a Cyberman, if anyone else had pulled something like that Jack was sure he’d have noticed.

“Right, more stories about all the sex you’ve had, that’s exactly what this situation needs.” Ianto groaned and rolled his eyes before turning on his side, back to Jack once again.

“Ianto. Hey, come on, what’s your problem? You said it, it’s fine, we can forget about it. I’ll stop teasing you.” He rubbed Ianto’s back but Ianto went stiff again. “Hey. Ok, look at me.” He tugged the younger man’s shoulder until he relented and rolled over. He didn’t look at Jack but up at the ceiling. It was still an improvement.

“It slipped out.” Ianto murmured.

“The ‘I love you’? Yeah, I figured that much out. Like I said, everyone says things they don’t mean occasionally, it's the heat of the moment and an intense orgasm can make you feel like you're in love.” Ianto turned to him then, the unreadable expression slipping just for a second and Jack realised he was disappointed, but he wasn’t sure by what.

“What if I meant it?”

“But you didn’t.” Jack reminded him.

“I- I know… I just, I wondered what you’d say if I meant it?”

Jack blinked at him but Ianto was studying his face expectantly, the expressionless mask back in place. “I don’t know. I guess we’d have to talk about things. Maybe evaluate what this is. We’re just sex and I think if you wanted more than that, maybe we’d need to think things through again. Workplace romances are always destined to fail and given our profession; we can’t afford the drama.”

The mask slipped again and Ianto definitely looked disappointed now, his usually bright blue eyes a glassy grey. He inhaled, pulling the mask back on and smiling. “Not sure why I said it. We’re going to forget I said anything?”

“Already forgotten.” Jack grinned back, tugging Ianto into an embrace. 

-

Jack didn’t forget and he was sure Ianto hadn’t either, but they were both pretending they had. He was the boss and he was older, it felt like it should have been his responsibility to end things there and then, but he had always suffered from selfishness and nearly two hundred years of life hadn’t changed that. If anything, it made him worse. Sex with Ianto was great and it was a limited offer, he wasn’t ready for things to end between them. It was also a little cowardly, the fallout from failed office romances was not something he was a stranger to. Lucia had left Torchwood after their relationship had broken down and she wasn’t the first or the last, he’d learned the hard way how awkward things got. He couldn’t stomach the idea of losing Ianto the same way.

Ianto was avoiding him though. It had been a week and Ianto hadn’t invited him over once and avoided being in a room alone with him. Jack was surprised therefore to find Ianto waiting in his office. John Ellis had killed himself in Ianto’s car and Jack had text him to let him know, he’d expected Ianto to take the SUV home. Instead, he was sat in Jack’s office, two glasses of whiskey set out and a cup of what Jack suspected to be decaf coffee.

“What are you doing here? Thought you’d be home by now.” Jack said in way of greeting, he shrugged himself out of his coat, tossed it in direction of the coatrack and slumped heavily into his seat. He usually stuck to water and coffee, but he downed the whiskey in a single gulp and then wrapped his hands around the warm striped mug.

“You were in my car…” Ianto said in way of explanation but he was watching Jack closely, as though inspecting him for damage. “I’m sorry about John.”

Jack gave a single nod and busied himself with the coffee, one sip assured him it was definitely decaf, he made a face and Ianto smiled fondly. “Ugh.”

“Caffeine makes you restless and I need a good night’s sleep tonight. If you don’t want to drink it, I’ll make you a hot chocolate.”

Jack raised a brow at him, “You’ve been avoiding me, but you want me to come back tonight? To be honest, Ianto… I’m not going to be good company tonight. I think I just need some time alone.”

“Well, you can have a minute whilst I lock up but then you’re coming back to my flat. I won’t leave you on your own. I know you feel guilty but you couldn’t have stopped John killing himself,” Jack winced and Ianto, always the most observant member of the team, noticed, “and even if you could have stopped him this time, you couldn’t have fixed what was wrong with him. He wanted to die and that’s not your fault. He lost everything and everyone he ever loved. I can’t imagine what I would do in his situation.”

Ianto finished his own coffee whilst Jack brooded, when he stood up to clear the empty glasses and cups, Jack reached for him and tugged Ianto into his lap, he wrapped his arms around Jack’s neck and leaned down to kiss him and then was silent, rubbing small circles across his back and letting Jack hold him, just like the ‘I love you’, they’d both pretend this night hadn’t happened, that Jack hadn’t cried into Ianto’s chest for a good hour. Once Jack was recovered enough, Ianto brought him home, helped him into bed and held him until he slept. 

When Jack woke the next morning, he knew without a doubt that Ianto Jones loved him and he knew what he was supposed to do. He needed to end things but maybe that could wait till tomorrow?


	2. The time Ianto really meant it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack is never intentionally cruel but sometimes he's so lost in his own pain, he forgets about everyone elses...

_“I thought I’d lost you and I realised; I don’t think I could live without you. I love you.”_

The hub was empty, everyone else had left hours ago; Tosh to see her family and make up for missing the party she was supposed to be at, Owen to A&E to get the bullet wound treated and Gwen back to Rhys. Jack had told them all to leave and then sat in his office, grieving over the death of a man who’d died in 1941. He’d stolen Jack’s identity and at the time it had been convenient. He’d kept it simply because he liked the person being Jack made him and he always figured if he was ever going to find the Doctor and Rose again, well… He’d need to keep the name because as soon as the Doctor realised he was still alive, he knew he'd come back for him.

Over the course of his long life though, Captain Jack Harkness had been a name he’d assumed, he’d all but forgotten the fact he’d picked the name out of a list of the recently deceased. He’d never given a second thought to the fact a real man had owned the name, had been the real hero. Now that he’d met the real Jack, he couldn’t shake the shame that had consumed him from the second Jack had first said his name. It was why he’d pushed so hard for the real Jack to follow his girl, to fall in love, he felt he owed him somehow. He honestly hadn’t meant to make things worse but that was him all over, stumbling into things and bringing chaos with him. Real Jack’s colleagues would look at him differently, would think of him differently… Being gay in 1941 was a death sentence and Jack had fled, leaving the real hero to face the backlash alone. Tosh had said it was beautiful… Jack knew it was tragic.

After a few hours of intermittently cursing himself and trying to write the report of today’s incident, Jack found himself aching and in need of fresh air. He stood, expecting to find the hub empty except Myfanwy. Instead, diligently tapping away on Tosh’s computer, was Ianto. Jack blinked stupidly for a second before he realised what he was seeing. 

“Didn’t I send you home, oh I don’t know,” he glanced down at his watch, “Four hours ago?” He called. Ianto didn't startle but looked up from his screen briefly.

"I figured I’d get a head start on the report. I’ve had a quick refresh of the protocols and I’ve found the relevant paperwork needed for shooting Owen. If I’d known I’d have to fill in ten pages and complete a written statement saying why it was necessary to shoot my colleague, I’d have shot Owen months ago.” Ianto deadpanned, a small hint of a smirk on his face.

“Hey. Don’t go getting ideas, if anyone is allowed to shoot Owen, it’s me. I’m the boss.” Jack leaned casually against the doorframe and watched Ianto type. He looked cute when he was concentrating, his tongue poked out between pretty pink lips as he focused on each word.

“Do you want me to get you anything? Coffee?” 

“No, you’re fine. You should go home though. Get some rest, I think we’ll be needing all the rest we can get.”

“Opening the rift will have a backlash. I know.” Ianto nodded solemnly. “It’s why I’m doing this now.” He finally stopped typing and then switched the computer off. “I’ve also sent the rift alert system to everyone’s personal devices. Just in case.”

“Thank you, Ianto.” Jack smiled tiredly. “Now go home.”

“Are you coming with me?” Ianto asked as he stood and stretched out his back and then grabbed the suit jacket he’d hung over the back of the office chair. He was watching Jack closely as he shrugged it on.

“No. I think it’s best I stay here and man the fort. Who knows how long we have.”

“I can stay as well?” Jack opened his mouth to argue and Ianto hurried to continue, “I’m not coming onto you, I just figure the more of us here when this thing goes off, the better?”

“I thought you said my bed was uncomfortable. Where are you planning to sleep?”

“Well… Maybe I’m propositioning you a little bit then. I might not notice how uncomfortable it is if I’m lying on top of you.”

Jack laughed. "Well, it’s an interesting offer but you should go home, get some real sleep. I’ll see you tomorrow.” Jack turned back to his office, ready to head to bed himself.

“Jack- I… I’m sorry. You know- about the other Jack. Tosh told me. She said you two were really good together, that you kissed… I’m sorry.” Ianto fidgeted with the sleeve of his jacket as Jack stared. He’d seen Tosh typing something to Ianto when they’d returned, Ianto had looked upset by whatever had been said. He suspected now that maybe Ianto was jealous. At any other time that might have amused him, aroused him even.

“Thank you. He was a good man. He deserved better.”

“He died the next day. I- I looked him up. I shouldn’t have…”

Jack laughed humourlessly and folded his arms, leaning against the door jam again. “Why did you look him up? Checking out the competition?” He meant it to sound teasing but he wasn’t sure he’d hit the mark, especially when Ianto flinched.

“I was... curious.” Ianto replied with such honesty that Jack was a little speechless. “Would you have stayed with him? If we hadn’t opened the rift?”

“I don’t know. The forties weren’t the most enlightened of times.”

“Would you have missed me?” Ianto asked, stepping forward, he chewed the inside of his cheek. 

Jack wasn’t sure he liked where the conversation was going and shook his head tiredly, “Ianto. I’m drained, you should go, go get some sleep.”

“I’d have missed you.” Ianto continued, stepping forward again. They were still more than an arm’s length away from each other and he could see Ianto was teetering on the edge of closing that distance. He was tempted to let him, he half wanted Ianto to kiss away the memories of the ghost who’d now haunt him with the other hundreds of memories. Another person he’d let down. When Ianto closed the distance, Jack surprised himself by moving back, avoiding the inevitable kiss. If Ianto was hurt by that, he didn’t show it. “I shot Owen because I was afraid of the rift and because it was my job but if I really wanted to stop him, I would have aimed for his head. I let him open that rift because I couldn’t stand the idea of never seeing you again. I thought I’d lost you and I realised; I don’t think I could live without you. I love you.” He whispered. Eyes wide and frightened. Jack wasn’t sure if he was frightened he’d said 'I love you' or frightened of Jack’s reaction. Jack wasn’t sure which frightened him most either. His heart plummeted.

“Ianto. We talked about this. This isn’t a relationship. It’s... It's sex.”

Ianto laughed dryly, nodding his head like he’d expected that reply. “That’s what Owen said, before I shot him… He said I was nothing but your part-time shag. I think we could make it work though. We have something-“

“Ianto. We have sex and it’s good but it’s nothing more than that. We agreed when this started.”

“We agreed once. One time and then back to normal but once wasn’t enough for you either.” Ianto closed the gap again and grabbed fistfuls of Jack’s shirt, he leaned in for a kiss and Jack let him. Their lips brushed but Jack couldn’t bring himself to deepen it.

“I don’t want that. I don’t want you.” He breathed against Ianto's lips. Ianto released him and stepped back. He looked like he’d been punched in the gut as he stumbled away, eyes wide and watering.

The Doctor was going to be back any time now, a century had passed twice, that’s what he’d been told. The Doctor would be back any day now and Jack would be gone. Torchwood and everyone in it would be a memory. He’d never see Rose again but he still had his Doctor. Ianto had been another distraction, he hadn’t meant to let it get this far, he should have ended it months ago, at Christmas at least when Ianto had first said the words. 

“Oh. Right… Right. I know.” He was blinking away tears and swiped angrily at his face as he turned away. “Shit. I’m sorry.”

Jack let him run to the cog wheel and wondered whether he should go after him, explain in some way but he wasn’t sure how. He returned to his office and pulled up the carpark security, a few minutes passed before Ianto came into view. He walked briskly but as soon as he got in his car, he broke down. The stab of guilt in Jack’s stomach was enough to make him feel sick, Ianto was crying, his fist in his mouth probably to stop himself making noise and Jack wished he had the courage to go after him, calm him and apologise. A significant amount of time passed before Ianto wiped his face with his arms and started the car. 

Jack had a fleeting concern as to whether he’d see Ianto tomorrow and how he’d explain his absence to the rest of the team. Would they even notice?

His doubt was short lived. Ianto was professional, if not aloof, and when all hell broke loose a few hours later, Jack didn’t have time to worry anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the lovely reviews, kudos and bookmarking for the first chapter. I was really nervous posting this fic so I'm glad it went down well. This chapter has a little more angst in it. I'm evil like that.
> 
> Originally I wrote it in Ianto's perspective but I wanted to focus on Jack because I didn't want him to come across as the bad guy. I personally think Ianto loved Jack far more than Jack loved Ianto but I think for Jack, it came out of a place of self-defence. He knows he won't have forever with Ianto and I think he avoids putting himself in situations he could get hurt; flirting with everyone, sleeping around, developing feelings for someone like Gwen who is already in a relationship- I think he chooses to bury his feelings in places and people who he can't have anything real with, it means when they eventually move on, he won't miss them as much. Love to hear people's thoughts on this... Am I reading the situation wrong? When do you think Jack realised he was in love with Ianto?
> 
> Hope you enjoyed the chapter. Next chapter will be up tomorrow. If anyone has any Torchwood or Dr Who prompts they'd like me to try, please feel free to share them in the comments. I have completed most of the chapters for this piece and it'll be fun to have something else to focus on next.


	3. The time Ianto was brutally honest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ianto wishes Jack would just own up to whatever situation he has going on with Gwen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for all the lovely comments and kudos so far.
> 
> Significant time jump now, since this story is focussing on times Ianto specifically said 'I love you', this story takes place just after the episode Meat. I'm not 100% happy with this, I've re-written it twice and it still doesn't feel right and I was tempted to chuck it out but it's the only chapter I wrote that directly talks about Jack's feelings for Gwen, which I think make up an important part of his character and where his head is at.

“Are you ok?” Ianto asked, his hands were doing an extraordinary job of working out the kinks and twinges in Jack’s neck.

“I am now. You have magic hands.” Jack sighed as deft fingers made their way to his shoulders. He moaned loudly, leaning forward in the chair to give Ianto more space to move down his back. “You’re an angel, Ianto Jones.”

Ianto laughed and squeezed harder than necessary. “I meant about Gwen and Rhys.”

“I know what you meant.” He moaned in response, twisting his shoulders to nudge Ianto back into action. Dutifully the Archivist moved again, his fingers digging into tight muscles and easing them. Jack was in danger of falling asleep. How was Ianto so good at so many things and how on earth had he been blessed with him. “She couldn’t have kept it secret forever, especially once they’re married. This is better than losing her, right?”

Ianto hummed a response, his hands coming to a stop again as he stroked delicately up the column of Jack’s neck and threaded his fingers through the soft black locks.

“What does ‘hmm’ mean?” He was sure he had an idea already. Torchwood had a lot of pamphlets on keeping government secrets, protocols to follow and ways to ensure all staff followed them and Ianto knew every single one of them. 

“Nothing.” Ianto’s hands danced down his sides causing Jack to arch his back, his head colliding with Ianto’s firm chest but Jack wasn’t going to let the subject drop, he could sense the young man’s disapproval.

“If you think I was too soft on her then just say it.” Jack moaned as Ianto’s hands wound their way back to his shoulders.

“I think she gets away with a lot because you fancy her… Though not something I can say much about. Torchwood One probably would have executed me on the spot for what I did.” He mumbled, his hands pausing for a fraction of a second. Ianto rarely mentioned Lisa these days, he liked to think it was because it was water under the bridge.

“Is it that obvious?” Jack mused, he meant it as a joke. Ianto stopped massaging him and instead slipped his arms around Jack’s shoulders and leaned into him. His chin resting on Jack’s shoulder. 

“Only to anyone with eyes.” The Welshman teased back. “I’m going home now. If you want another massage you’ll have to come with me and return the favour.”

Jack grinned and grabbed Ianto’s hands, holding him in position. “What if I order you to stay here? Tie you to this desk so you can’t leave me.” 

Ianto laughed and kissed Jack’s neck. “I’d never disobey direct orders from my boss and if I did, I’d expect a very stern disciplinary meeting...”

“Very stern. Punishments include but are not limited to a good telling off and a spanking.” Jack responded in the same dead-pan tone that Ianto had used. He could feel the younger man’s grin against his neck before it was broken by Ianto kissing him again.

“Come on, drive me home. I’m not spending another night in your horrible cot. I don’t understand why you refuse to splash out on proper bed with a mattress made this century. I do your books; I know you can afford it.” He kissed Jack’s cheek and pulled away, probably to turn off the lights and make sure Myfanwy was settled for the night. 

“Ianto- She’s the only one who seems to understand that there is more to life than this job and I think we need that; we need her humanity. We need to be reminded there is more to the world than riff-raff and violence.”

There was the briefest of pauses as Ianto spun back to face him, a puzzled expression on his face before he made his way back to the desk. “Tosh keeps a scrap book of letters she writes to her family and never sends them; she keeps them like a diary, so she can pretend that she has someone to share her life with and that she isn’t keeping secrets from her family. Owen is all snarky comments and sarcasm until we need him and then you realise how kind he can be, I think it broke him today, killing that creature but he did it out of compassion. Gwen, despite what you and she seem to think, is not the only human in this Hub. You don’t need her here to tell you to be ‘kind’ or ‘good’, you want her here because you’re either in love with her or you want to fuck her and like I said, it’s obvious. At least be honest about why you’re bending the rules for her.”

Jack gaped and the Welshman smiled sadly at him. “I’m not saying it because I’m jealous. You’ve made your feelings clear and I’m happy to keep things as they are between us but if you want Gwen, maybe you should tell her and stop stringing me along because I’m an easy lay. I’m going to make sure Myfanwy has food and then I’m leaving. You can decide whether you’re coming or not.”  
Ianto turned on his heel and left without waiting for Jack’s reply. Jack watched him go with a frown and then turned back to the file on Gwen. A new notation indicated a cross-reference with Rhys’ file, which was beneath Gwen’s. Ianto was organised, Rhys’ entire life story had been presented to him moments after Rhys had shown up at the Hub, no different to the file that had appeared when they first met Gwen.

Ianto wasn’t wrong, he wanted her in a way he hadn’t wanted anyone in years. It wasn’t Gwen exactly, she reminded him of Rose, they had the same passionate spark and innocence. He was starting to wonder if some her appeal wasn’t rooted in the fact she was already attached to someone else; the challenge of stealing a heart that had already been taken. He liked Rhys though, after today how could he not but he’d never thought they were right. Gwen was so out of his league and clearly she agreed, why else have an affair with Owen if she was so in love with her fiancé? When he’d first returned to Cardiff after the year that never was, she’d presented her engagement as if she were making do, ‘no one else would have me’. If he were honest, that stab of disappointment that she’d given up on him completely had sent him back to Ianto. He’d picked the second-best option and he knew Ianto would say yes. He _was_ stringing Ianto along.

“Ready to go?” Ianto was stood in the doorway, smiling expectantly and handsome and Jack felt his stomach flip, he wasn’t in love and he wasn’t sure he ever would be but he could try, for Ianto’s sake.

It wasn’t like it was a hardship either. Jack spent too many minutes distracted by the gorgeous man before him, spent all day thinking about undressing him. Ianto made it easy, always there with a witty remark or a flirtatious joke and it was impossible to resist temptation when it came in such a delicious package. Besides, he had Ianto now but one day, and probably one day soon, he’d be alone again.

They made their way to Ianto’s flat with the usual comfortable conversations. They picked up fish and chips from one of the open restaurants along the bay and ate it in front of the telly, watching Coronation Street and an overly dramatic crime show. The tension from their earlier conversation and omnipresent cloud over their heads.

Later, in bed, Ianto was dozing off with his head pillowed on Jack’s chest whilst Jack stroked circles across his scalp and the back of his neck. Ianto’s own fingers danced patterns across Jack’s chest.

“Have you ever loved anyone like that?” Ianto asked, his voice low.

“Like what?” Jack frowned, trying to think about which characters might have been in love in whatever show they’d watched last.

“Like Gwen loves Rhys.”

“Love is difficult for me. It’s never forever. People eventually leave one way or another.”

“You mean they die?” Ianto asked, lifting his head to look Jack in the eyes.

“Yeah but they’re usually gone before that, mostly they leave because they can’t handle me. I guess it’s not easy to know that you can live your life with someone but they can’t give you the same back. They age and I’m always just the same.”

“I won’t leave you, not because of that.”

Jack sent him a wry smile and pulled him back down so that he could embrace him, he pressed their mouths together in a hungry kiss. “We’ll see. You deserve a normal life, Ianto Jones. Don’t you ever want to get married? Have kids? Live your life away from monsters and bad memories?”

“No.” Ianto responded simply. 

“We’ll see.” Jack repeated with a derisive snort.

A shadowed look fell over Ianto’s face for a second before he sighed heavily and laid back down on Jack’s bare chest. He fell silent after that. Jack figured he’d fallen asleep and was close to following suit.

“Jack, are you awake?” Jack didn’t reply, too tired to start another round of questions. It didn’t seem to matter though, Ianto snuggled into him and spoke again, voice softer. “I want to be with you because I love you. It’s ok that you don’t love me back but I can’t handle it if you’re in love with someone else. You need to decide which relationship you want to be in and I hope you pick me but if you don’t, the sooner you break it off the better. It won’t change anything at work if that’s what you’re worrying about. It’s not like we’ve made our relationship public, nobody will ever have to know. Just let me know so I can move on.”

“I’m not in love with Gwen.” 

There was a chance he’d regret not taking the easy out later down the line but he wanted to be the person Ianto seemed to think he was.


	4. The time Ianto didn't know Jack was listening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ianto and Tosh like to gossip when it's just the two of them. Jack overhears.

“Owen is a prat.” Ianto said in way of explanation. Tosh’s responding laugh caught Jack off guard and he paused. Tosh rarely laughed and it was always a welcome surprise when she did.

Ianto and Tosh had been in the Archives for well over three hours and Jack was in need of a coffee fix. The pair of them had come down in an effort to scan and tag some of the older stores. After a while, their absence had been conspicuous and Owen had suggested they were getting off, Gwen had accused Owen of being a pig and Jack had a moment of jealousy that had sent him down into the bowels of the Hub in search for the missing pair. He paused at the entrance however when he realised they were deep in conversation. It was stupid and juvenile to eavesdrop on their conversation, but he was curious. Usually they never said much at all, the occasional input in a conversation or a hum of acknowledgement. It had never occurred to him that they spoke to each other.

“He is a prat but still... I don’t understand. Why would he send me a bunch of flowers and then pretend he didn’t? He signed them so he obviously wanted me to know they were from him.”

“Mm. Maybe he was drunk when he did it?”

“Maybe. It wouldn’t be the first time he did something stupid whilst drunk, did I tell you I had to cover for him a couple of years back? His first week on the job and he got so hammered he couldn’t stand up. I had to go to London and pretend to be a Doctor. I never did tell Jack.”

Jack raised an eyebrow at that confession and peeked his head around the doorframe. They were sat on the floor, several boxes around them and a pile of miscellaneous crap encircling them. Tosh was scanning something, her head bowed down. In front of her, with his back to Jack, was Ianto. Legs crossed, suit jacket discarded, and shirt sleeves rolled up past the elbows. He was scribbling something on a clipboard and then paused to watch whatever Tosh was doing. She gave him a reading and he bent back over his clipboard. He was surprised, though he shouldn’t have been, that they were working so diligently even whilst gossiping. Who knew they had it in them? They could have put Gwen and Owen to shame.

“Ask him when he’s not with Gwen. He acts differently when he hasn’t got an audience.” Ianto suggested with a shrug of his shoulders. Jack pulled his head back from the door before Tosh looked up.

“Yeah. You’re right but I’m starting to think… Maybe… Am I wasting my time? I’ve been in love with him for years and he barely notices I exist. I thought maybe he just didn’t like workplace romances, I thought he was being professional but he’s slept with Gwen and Suzie. It’s obviously just me he doesn’t like. I’m not his type.”

“I thought you said he agreed to go on a date with you?”

“I think he felt sorry for me.”

“Well, then he’s an idiot. I prefer you to Gwen and I never did like Suzie, even before she turned into a psychopathic zombie.”

Tosh laughed again and Jack smothered his own chuckle. That should have been the point he came out of his hiding place or left them to it but he just lent against the wall, making himself comfortable.

“Gwen was right the other month after Rhys found out. We’re all sad, lonely, pathetic arseholes who wouldn’t know a healthy relationship if it bit us on the arse.”

“I feel like we need alcohol for this conversation.” Came Ianto’s deadpan response.

“I’m serious though. Has anyone in Torchwood ever had a relationship outside Torchwood before? I started an online dating profile but then I realised- even if I found the time to date, how do I explain what I do for a living? It’s just impossible. If Owen won’t have me, that leaves you and Jack and you’re seeing each other so I am doomed to a life as a spinster- I can’t even get a cat to keep me company. I’m allergic.” Tosh sighed and Ianto chuckled this time, there was a clanging of metal that punctuated her statement, Jack assumed it was the sound of whatever they were archiving and not that Tosh had taken to throwing things. He poked his head round the corner just to be sure though and sure enough, they were still bowed over their work.

“If it makes you feel better, I think Jack is as oblivious as Owen is. I’m not exactly an example of domestic bliss either. He doesn’t even admit that we’re in a relationship, he flirts with anyone and everyone, even if I’m stood right there: He invited me on a date last week and then spent the first fifteen minutes hitting on our waitress. She was pretty, I have to give him that.”

“Have you spoken to him about it?”

“No. We don’t really talk and when I try he brushes it off. If it’s not work related or flirting, I don’t think he hears a word I say.”

“What makes you say that?”

“Experience?” He laughed weakly and then sighed heavily, “I told him I loved him. Just before Christmas last year, when those three passengers from the flight fell through the rift? Yeah, it sort of slipped out so it wasn’t an ideal moment but he laughed and then made such a big deal insisting I didn’t mean it that I just pretended I didn’t. When I told him again properly a few weeks later he dumped me and ran off with the Doctor. I tried again last month but he’s clearly not in the same place as I am.”

“Oh Ianto.” There was a shuffling and when Jack looked again, Tosh had moved so that she and Ianto were side by side and she was lent against him. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have brought it up.”

“It’s fine, you didn’t really… I was just moaning. It’s ok.”

“Maybe you should end things? I mean, if he doesn’t feel the same way?”

“I can’t though. I really do love him and at least this way I get some of him?” Ianto’s bitter laugh filled the room. “Ok, I heard it that time. Gwen’s right, we are pathetic.” They fell silent again and Jack felt sick, had he really spent their date chatting up other people? He had a distinct memory of giving his phone number to the guy at the bar in the same restaurant. Ianto hadn’t said a word about it then and Jack hadn’t thought anything of it. He hadn’t slept with anyone else, not since he’d returned from the year that never was and he’d asked Ianto out on their first date; it was all just part of a joke; the flirtation, it was fun. It hadn’t occurred to him to think Ianto wouldn’t find it nearly as amusing.

“Anyway, back to your pathetic love life… There is always Archie up at Two if you like older men who talk to themselves?” Tosh tutted in response. “If you’re going to be picky about it…” Ianto’s teasing response came seconds later, “then I guess that leaves UNIT. Women like a man in uniform, right? Oh… Shit. Sorry. I forgot.”

Jack hadn’t told the team where he’d recruited Tosh and he’d encrypted the extra details of her recruitment on her staff profile, Ianto didn’t have access to the information that way. It meant she’d told him herself and he found that surprise at least stopped him from back peddling through every horrible thing he’d done to Ianto since they’d started the whole dating thing.

“Don’t worry.” Tosh brushed his apology off quickly, he imagined her shaking her head and shrugging it off. 

A few minutes passed in silence and Jack was about to head off, the conversation had come to an obvious awkward end but then Gwen’s voice called over the comms. Jack had left his own on his desk.

“Ianto? Tosh? You ok down there?”

“If you’re worried you could always come and help…” Tosh muttered and the pair of them laughed.

“Yeah, we’re fine. Did you need something?” Ianto responded to Gwen. The crackle of the comms unit seemed louder in the weird echoed chambers of the archives.

“No, we just wanted to check in. Could murder a coffee though?”

“Coffee machine is set to go, just press the red button marked ‘ON’ and don’t touch anything else.” Ianto replied pertly and discarded his comms unit.

“You’re a field agent now, you’ve got experience and you’ve showed Jack you’re capable of handling yourself. We’d have all been shot if you hadn’t disarmed the guys in that warehouse.” Tosh explained just as Jack had decided he would return to the office floors. He paused again.

“So?”

“So- you don’t have to wait on us. You’re not the butler, if they want coffee they should learn to make it themselves or go out and buy it, it isn’t your job to look after everyone.” Tosh retorted in a tone that suggested it was obvious. “I think we take you for granted too often.”

“Thanks.” He sounded so earnest in his gratitude that Jack felt a rush of guilt. He’d never thanked Ianto for any of the work he did and he hadn’t acknowledged all the work he’d put into field work. Ianto had been bloody impressive at the warehouse and then had come back and massaged Jack like he hadn’t been the one doing the James Bond impression.

“I’ll talk to Jack about it. Maybe if I had a proper job title, they’d stop treating me like the help?”

“See. Positive attitude always works. Have we finished the box? That was the last box from 2000, yeah?”

“Yeah. What a relief, only another hundred and thirty something years left to go.”

Tosh groaned loudly. “I’m done. We can crack on with the nineties tomorrow.”

“I’ll bring my Spice Girls CD, we can have a sing-song.” 

Sensing that they were about to find him lingering, Jack pushed away from the wall and walked into the room with dramatic purpose and a painted-on grin.

“If you two have been down here playing naked hide and seek without me, I’m firing you both!” Neither of them would meet his eye but both smiled, Tosh was gathering up the papers that Ianto had been writing on whilst the man himself was pushing the last of the boxes onto the shelves. When Ianto finally turned around he had a gorgeous smile and a mischievous sparkle in his blue eyes.

“We were playing naked Twister and until you can play without cheating, I’m never inviting you to play any games again.” Tosh scurried past Jack with the faintest hint of a blush but Ianto paused in front of Jack with a cheeky grin and leaned up to kiss him briefly before following after Tosh. If Jack hadn’t heard them speaking, he’d never have known anything was wrong. Next time he took Ianto on a date, he’d do it properly and give him his undivided attention.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like this chapter better than the last, everytime I watch the series I am baffled by how little interaction there is between Tosh and Ianto, I feel like they have similar personalities and I imagine them being very good friends. I think the relationship between all of the characters is really underdeveloped though and it's such a shame, it would have been nice to see them bonding/being friends as well as saving the universe. I would have enjoyed that more than watching Gwen and Rhys... Anyone else?


	5. The time Ianto was upset

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ianto hates it when Jack dies, no matter how temporary it might be.

“What the hell happened to you?” Ianto gaped as Jack limped through the cog-wheel door, heralded by the alarms and flashing lights. He usually liked the drama of the entrance but tonight the noise ploughed through his head and only drew attention to something he was hoping nobody would be in to witness. Why the hell were they still here? 

“Oh my god!” Gwen exclaimed as she too turned in Jack’s direction and took in the sight of his torn and bloodied clothes, the thick reddish-brown blood gluing his hair to his skull.

The Captain ignored them both and dragged what felt like a broken leg up to the sofa, where he promptly collapsed. Gwen was closest and she scrambled over to him, attempting to get a closer look at the mangled leg. 

“Bloody hell.”

Ianto hovered close by, arms folded and his expression pained. “Did you die?” He asked, his voice shaky. Jack nodded in response.

“Least it will heal soon.” Gwen murmured as Jack hissed loudly, she’d managed to pull his trouser leg up and they got a good look at the grisly sight of Jack’s bone protruding through shredded skin. Gwen gagged and Ianto looked away quickly.

“I’ll go get painkillers.” Ianto uttered and then vanished toward the med bay.

“You going to fill us in?” Gwen prodded him as Jack let his head rest against the wall imprinted with ‘TORCHWOOD’.

“Car accident. I wasn’t driving, went to interview a contact about the research facility setting up in London, trying to replace Torchwood One… He was on something I think, was driving like a maniac, only stopped when he wrapped the car around a tree.”

“Christ.” Gwen breathed, she’d moved to sit beside him, letting him lean his weight on her.

“Yeah. Killed us both, managed to get out but had to break my leg to do it. It’s healing slowly, not sure why.”

“How’d you get back here?”

“Walked, wasn’t far.” 

Ianto returned moments later with clean bandages, water, a cloth, a pair of scissors and several syringes full of pain relief on a silver tray. He lowered it slowly but his hands were shaking enough to make the containers rattle against the tray. Jack tried to catch his eye but his lover was focused on the task at hand. Diligently he administered the first dose of the painkiller and then began to cut away the trousers. Jack growled in pain as Ianto peeled the fabric away; it had pasted itself to his skin. He let out a pained scream as Ianto tried to lift the leg and then promptly passed out. When he came around again, Gwen and Ianto were pulling off the last of his trousers and if he hadn't been in quite so much pain he had several filthy comments ready to be made. He could only watch his mangled body being revealed in horror. By the looks of it, the other leg would need treating too but there were no bones protruding at least. 

“What the fuck do we do?” Gwen whispered, her voice shaky and her face impossibly pale.

“I don’t know.” Ianto replied helplessly. Neither of them had noticed he was awake again. “I’ll go get fresh water and clothes. Give him another painkiller.”

“Maybe we should kill him, let his body heal itself that way?” Gwen suggested. 

“No!”

“Ianto… It’s the quickest way to get this mess sorted. He’ll bleed to death anyway if we can’t fix the leg. It’d make more sense if we-“

“I said no! We are not killing him.”

“Kill me, I think that’ll work.” Jack’s voice was gravelly, maybe he’d torn his vocal cords from all the yelling and screaming. Two pairs of eyes rounded on him, Ianto’s narrowed into a scowl. He began to shake his head but Gwen had already gathered her gun from her desk.

“You sure, Jack?” She aimed it at his head. Jack nodded the go-ahead and she pulled the trigger before Ianto could object. The last sound he heard was his lover’s pained cry and then the world went black.

He gasped air in frantically, the first breath always hurt the most. Coming back to life was like being hauled over broken glass, each shard finding somewhere soft to tear him apart, his lungs expanding for the first time like shards of ice had lodged themselves behind his ribcage. Once he’d recovered from the initial shock of pain, he realised his leg no longer hurt and that strong arms were holding him tightly. He lent back into Ianto’s embrace, he had his head against Ianto’s chest and could hear the frantic beating of his heart.

“Hey, doing ok?” Gwen asked and he blinked up at her blearily. Two deaths in a short space of time always left him exhausted and weak.

“Mm. Leg healed?” He asked, eyes drooping as Ianto squeezed him tighter.

“Yeah, looks like it.” She replied with a small smile.

“There we go then.” He reached up to pat Ianto’s arm in what he had meant as a comforting gesture but apparently Ianto took as a gloat because suddenly those arms were pulling away from him and Ianto was gone. “Where you going?” He mumbled, trying to turn himself and reach out for Ianto’s hand. 

“We need to clean this mess up.” Ianto barked, already gathering up all the now useless medical equipment. “I’ll incinerate all your clothes. Coat too, it’s ruined. Get it off.”

“Like it when you’re bossy.” Jack said with a wink and Gwen made a dramatic show of rolling her eyes.

“If you boys are going to go at it, at least wait till I’m out the door.” She said with a laugh and Ianto lowered a glower at both.

“Why are you both being so blasé about it? You can’t kill yourself to solve every situation. What if you have a limited number of times you can come back? What if she’d shot you and that was the end of it?” He threw everything he’d gathered down and stormed off. Jack watched him go, perplexed.

“Erm. Ok, maybe you should go check on him, I’ll make a start clearing this up.” Gwen offered. “I think he’s taking Tosh and Owen harder than he’s letting on. We’ve all seen a bit too much death in the last couple of weeks, I honestly didn’t think about it when I suggested shooting you.”

Jack stood gingerly, limbs stiff. There was a twinge in his leg to remind him his muscles were still knitting themselves together. “It’s ok, I told you to do it. It would have healed by itself eventually, I shouldn’t have put him through that… I was being impatient.” 

He found Ianto in the changing rooms, there was a pile of bloody clothes on the floor and he was pulling on a grey hoody.

“I love it when you dress casual.” Jack smirked, coming up before the slightly smaller form of his lover. Ianto pushed him away and rubbed at his face. He’d been crying. “I wanted to make sure you’re ok. Ianto- I can’t die, there isn’t a limited number of times. I shouldn’t have made you watch me die but I didn’t realise it was something that worried you.”

Ianto rounded on him then, “You didn’t realise it might be upsetting to watch the man I love have his brains blown out in front of me?” He shook his head, the expression on his face as clear as day: he thought Jack was a moron and Jack wasn’t entirely sure he was wrong.

“Ianto-“

“No.” He tugged at his hair, eyes squeezed shut, “I can’t do this right now. Go shower, I can’t look at you like that anymore.” He left the room, scooping up his blood-soaked clothes as he went. Probably to incinerate them.

Jack had died so many times he’d lost count. The horror of his situation had run out some time in the early 1800s, it became a fact of his existence and he’d taken it for granted. Ianto’s reactions to Jack’s death had become increasingly more anxious and he’d never noticed, he’d recover in Ianto’s arms and feel Ianto’s kisses and touches and think nothing of it. He hadn’t stopped to think that maybe Ianto was in pain, that those kisses and touches were to reassure himself as much as Jack.

He shedded himself of the tattered remains of his coat and shirt, the braces were blood soaked, even his underwear would need burning. He shucked it all off as quickly as he could, leaving it in a pile in front of the lockers before walking naked into the shower rooms. He stood under the spray till the water ran clear and only then did he reach for the shampoo to scrub the last of the mess away. Bits of brain and skull were sliding down the drain and for the first time in his long life, Jack was disgusted. 

When he emerged from the steamy showers, he realised Ianto had laid out a new pair of clothes and a pair of shoes. The stuff he’d discarded gone and no trace of the muck on the changing room floor. In the main Hub, Gwen was washing blood off the wall.

“You look better.” She greeted him with a smile.

“Is Ianto still here?”

“Hmm? Oh. I think so. Try the hot house. I’m heading off a bit.”

“Ok.”

It didn’t take long to find Ianto after all. He emerged from Jack’s office just as Gwen tossed the filthy scrubbing brush into the bucket of water. For a heated moment, the men stared at each other. Jack had so much he wanted to say, starting with an apology, but words were somehow meaningless and it was hard with Gwen watching them.

“I’m going home now.” Ianto announced, expression stony. He held out the great-coat and Jack blinked at it.

“I thought you were incinerating that?”

“I did. This is a new one. I have about twenty spares.”

Jack’s heart fluttered and he took the coat, amazed, not for the first time, at how prepared for anything Ianto was.

“If you’re giving me the coat, does that mean I can come with you?” Jack asked, cautiously, very aware of Gwen’s interest in their conversation. Ianto nodded mutely and strode past the pair of them.

“Night then, Ianto.” Gwen called and shook her head fondly when he ignored her completely. “Go on then, I’ll make sure it’s all locked up. I think you two need a proper talk.” Jack thanked her with a smile and followed after his lover.

Ianto was quiet the whole drive back and Jack let him stew in his misery. Ianto was always easier to calm down if he was given the space to think himself out of whatever had upset him. By the time they reached the flat, the tension in Ianto’s shoulders softened.

“Do you want to talk about?” Jack offered, kicking the door shut and following Ianto into the living room.

“No.” he pulled Jack into him, kissing him fiercely. 

As the Welshmen led them to the bedroom, littering clothes as they went, Jack realised a major issue in their relationship was poor communication. Ianto clearly had some serious anxiety issues and instead of talking them through like a healthy couple should, they were having sex. Sex was great therapy though; or at least that’s what he reasoned to himself as he sunk down on Ianto’s naked form… 

He had Ianto begging and writhing beneath him and the feel of heated kisses and strong muscles to prove they were both still alive and together. When Ianto came with a cry, Jack held him close and whispered: “I’ve got you. I’m here. I’ve got you.” And it was as close to an ‘I love you’ as he could get and Ianto understood that.

“I’ve got you too.” Ianto whispered back and kissed him with an urgency he hadn’t felt in a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thanks for the lovely comments/kudos. I'm glad this story is going down so well and I hope you enjoy this next chapter. Once again, we've taken a significant time jump and this is set sometime after 'Exit Wounds'.
> 
> I've taken a few liberties with Jack's healing abilities because it was necessary for this particularly story.


	6. The time Ianto realised Jack didn't want a happy ever after

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ianto wants to move their relationship forward. Jack still isn't ready to accept they're in a serious relationship.

“You’re late.” Ianto grumbled and pulled Jack down to sit beside him. It was a rare bright and sunny Spring day in Cardiff so Ianto had picked a spot on the Millennium Centre steps overlooking the bay to sit on. Jack dutifully apologised by bowing down and kissing his cheek. 

“Sorry dear… Some of us work for a living.” 

“You know I organise your calendar right? I know you weren’t busy. I swear to God, if you’ve photocopied your arse on the tourist office printer again, I’ll make copies and post them all over Cardiff.”

“That’s not much of a threat. In fact, there are a lot of people out there who’d pay a great deal of money to see my arse.”

“Having seen it, I can say with absolute faith that they’d be wasting their money.” 

Jack feigned a pout. “What are we doing up here anyway? Is it lunch time?”

“Not exactly. I have a surprise planned.” Ianto beamed at him and tugged Jack’s hand till the older man was forced to sit down beside him. Jack made a point of sitting close enough that their shoulders were pressed together, Ianto’s response was to playfully nudge him with his shoulder.

“What’s the surprise?” He asked and Ianto bit his lip, the impish smile he’d worn somewhat clouded by the furrowed brow he got when he was in the process of overthinking things.

“Do you remember last summer when we were undercover at Serenity Plaza?” Ianto asked, choosing to look at his hands rather than at Jack.

“Yeah…” He replied, nervous himself now. They’d pretended to be a married couple, Tosh had faked their identities and procured them a marriage certificate. Owen, being the arsehole that he was, had made all sorts of jokes and innuendos as he’d posed as the real estate agent who’d shown them around Serenity Plaza. Was Ianto going to suggest they get married? 

“Well, aside from the murderous alien neighbours, I loved it. It was nice, right? Being in a home we shared together, having people acknowledge us as a couple?”

“Where is this going?”

“I want you to move in with me.”

Jack was silent and Ianto finally looked at him, he was chewing his lip; suddenly unsure and Jack let out a breath he hadn’t realised he’d been holding. That was better than marriage at least but he wasn’t ready for that either.

“Jack?” Ianto nudged and Jack could only stare, mouth agape as he tried to piece together his thoughts and let Ianto down gently. “We spend almost every night together anyway, I thought maybe we could make it official.”

“Official?” Jack repeated, he looked across the Plass to distract himself.

“Yes. Official. We’re been dating for almost three years. We are boyfriends even if you’re apparently allergic to the word. Why would it be surprise I wanted to live with you?” He could sense the heat in Ianto’s words and knew he needed to give some form of an answer but his mind was still reeling.

“The hub. Someone needs to be there…” 

Ianto sighed at the weak excuse and rifled through his breast pocket. He emerged with a small wad of papers. “I thought about you moving into my flat but I know how much you hate the morning commute and I wanted us to have somewhere that was both of ours. I found us somewhere and the surprise was a viewing, it’s at twelve.” He unfolded the papers and handed them to Jack, who took them silently. He read through the specs and squinted at the tiny photos.

“That address… That’s…?” He looked up. On the other side of the bay, behind a row of shops was a state-of-the-art new build. They’d completed it last month but he’d seen it advertised all around Cardiff for well over a year. A week or two before she died, Tosh had shown he and Owen one of the properties, she’d been planning to buy one and wanted their opinion. Jack swallowed the lump that had formed in his throat.

“Yeah. It’s a five-minute walk from the Hub. Two at a run if there was an emergency. The flat we’re going to see is the Penthouse suite. It has roof access for you, in fact we’d be the only property with roof access and I know how much you enjoyed having the garden at Serenity, so I asked… If we get appropriate planning permission and don’t do anything too crazy, we can turn it into a roof garden.” There was an excitement in Ianto’s tone, even if the tension remained. He’d clearly put a lot of thought into this.

“It has three bedrooms. What do we need three bedrooms for?”

“I don’t know. I didn’t pick it for the bedrooms, I picked it for the view and the roof garden. I did think we could turn at least one of the rooms into an office and maybe we just turn the other one into a spare room or something.”

“Or something?” Jack laughed.

“What?”

“Nothing- why do we need a spare bedroom?”

“I don’t know. I think most ‘grown-ups’ have a spare bedroom; we can have people stay over.”

“Like who? We don’t have any friends… Are you suggesting we turn it into a nursery?”

Ianto paled and shook his head, “No. I- I don’t- I don’t want children. It doesn’t have to be a spare-room, we could turn it into anything you like. We can store boxes in there for all I care. I just thought… Do you not like it?”

It was perfect, you couldn’t ask for a better commute than a five-minute walk and Ianto’s flat in Radyr was far too small and too far away. He also couldn’t deny the appeal of having a place of his own again. He hadn’t always lived in the Hub; he’d moved in sometime after Alex killed the team and then himself. It had been easier when he was the only Torchwood member and then he just hadn’t seen the point of moving out again. Jack’s eyes scanned over the specs again and sighed.

“I do. I just don’t think we can.” He handed the papers back to Ianto; who accepted them with a brief nod. “It’s not that I don’t want to. I do… I… I just can’t.” He glanced sideways, Ianto was staring down at the papers, hands shaking but he nodded.

“It’s fine. You don’t have to explain.” He folded the paper again; he went to put them in his pocket before thinking better of it and screwing them up in his fist.

“I hate the 21st century sometimes. There are so many labels and rules. I can’t do all that relationship stuff, it’s not me. I want to be with you, why isn’t that enough? Why does anything have to change, it’s good now isn’t it?”

“You’ve been married before. More than once apparently. You talk about boyfriends and girlfriends and lovers all the time. You were in a committed relationship with John for fucks sake, he said you were practically married. Do you ever want that with me?”

“No.” It slipped out before he could stop it and Ianto exhaled a pained breath, like Jack had slapped him.

People always left in the end, he’d told Ianto that before, why didn’t he understand that the only constant in any relationship Jack had ever had was agonising pain. Ianto would die, whether it was next week or in fifty years and at the end of it, the only thing Jack would have was a memory. A memory of pain would fade eventually and it could be lessened if he started the distancing now. Moving in together, buying a flat and starting a home, that would be a painful life to recover from. 

Ianto was looking away from him, his body stiff. Eventually he let out another steadying breath and stood abruptly. “I should go cancel our appointment. There was a lot of interest in the flat so it won’t be a problem. They’ll find another buyer.” He bounded down the Millennium steps and Jack jumped up and followed after.

“Are you coming back to the Hub?”

“I told Gwen we were taking the day off so I’ll head home.” Ianto’s tone was dead, his eyes a steel grey and Jack knew him well enough to know when he was holding himself together, trying to reign in every ounce of self-control. He reached out, wanting to comfort him but knowing that right now, nothing he could say would help. Sometimes, he really hated himself. Ianto shrugged him away though and forced a smile.

“It’s fine. Honestly. It’s fine. Ring me when you’re on the way home. I’ll make sure dinner is ready.”

With that, Ianto was crossing the Plass toward the carpark, he tossed the balled up flat specs into a nearby bin as he passed it. Jack watched him till he was out of sight before sighing heavily and heading back toward the Hub.

“What are you doing here?” Gwen exclaimed as they met in the Tourist Office, she was holding a pizza the delivery girl had just dropped off and was heading back down into the Hub. She glanced at her watch as they entered the lift. “It’s twelve. Have you seen Ianto, he had something planned for twelve?”

“You knew about the flat?” 

“Yeah. So what are you doing here? Did I get the times mixed up? He was so excited, bless him, he showed me pictures last night. It looks gorgeous. I’m so jealous. You best be inviting us round for the flat warming.”

“Yeah… Yeah I am. I needed to change the appointment though. Meeting with the Prime Minister.”

Gwen nodded and as soon as they reached the office, slouched off toward the sofa. In his office, Jack looked up the number for the new-build. They picked up after the first ring.

“Bay Side Properties, how can I help?” an overly chipper voice answered.

“Erm, hi. My name is Jack Harkness. My boyfriend and I were meant to see the Penthouse this afternoon, I think he booked it under his name: Ianto Jones?”

“Ah, yes. Mr Jones. He just called to cancel the viewing?”

“Yeah, that’s right. I had an urgent work thing I couldn’t get out of… I don’t suppose I could rearrange a viewing with you?”

“Well, the property is in high demand.” She said snootily, “I have no appointments left for today.”

“That’s ok. When is the next available appointment?”

“I could squeeze you in tomorrow at four but I have to warn you, we’ve had a lot of interest in this property and unless you are seriously interested, I would suggest you don’t waste your time.”

“Oh, we’re interested. Four would be great.”

“Four it is. Should I send the confirmation to the email address and phone number Mr Jones provided?”

“No. Send it to me, I want to surprise him.” He proceeded to spell out his contact details before hanging up. He desperately hoped he was doing the right thing.

The next day, the world ended. He never got round to telling Ianto about the flat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes angst needs a little bit of hope... 
> 
> Next time I write a story, it will have to be teeth-rottingly sweet.


	7. The time Ianto was dying

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ianto's last confession to Jack...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Much shorter chapter this time.

“I love you.”

“Don’t.” and what he meant was ‘don’t leave me, please don’t let me. I love you. I love you so much I don’t think I’ll survive it if you’re gone.’ But the words wouldn’t come because his brain was foggy, every cell in his body on fire. He was dying, slowly and every breath was more painful than the last. Don’t go. Don’t go. Please don’t leave me.

“Don’t forget me.”

Jack shook his head urgently, no. No, he’d never forget. “I won’t.” Gray had buried him alive for two thousand years, he hadn’t forgotten Ianto then. The thought of him had kept him sane, all of them had. Getting back to Torchwood. 

“In a thousand years you won’t remember me.”

But Torchwood was gone now. In a thousands years there'd be a thousand more memories and people and lovers, would he remember Ianto? Maybe he’d forget the way he looked or the way he smelled? Maybe he’d even forget his name.

“I won’t. I promise I won’t.”

Ianto was fading faster than Jack and Jack fought with every part of himself to stay awake long enough to watch Ianto’s final moments because he couldn’t let Ianto die alone. He tried to breathe life back into him, he kissed him the same way he had when the Cyberwoman had killed him but he wasn’t sure it had worked; he was already starting to black out, his lungs weren’t filling and his heart had slowed down so much he was sure he could feel his blood flow stop. Even if he had enough life left to bring Ianto back, would the virus just kill him again?

His last fleeting thought as he faded into nothingness was that this time, he wouldn’t wake to strong loving arms. If Ianto was gone and there was no point at all to coming back.

Gwen was sobbing and Jack knew without looking that if Gwen was there crying, Ianto wasn’t coming back.

He’d wished many times that his death would stick. Whenever the pain of loss was too great but he’d never felt anything like this before. If he hadn’t promised Ianto that he’d never forget him, he’d have retconned himself into oblivion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter to go and this story is complete.
> 
> I've really enjoyed this jump back into fanfic. Hoping to write some more Janto and Torchwood fics soon. Thank you to everyone who has commented, given kudos, bookmarked and read this story so far.


	8. The time Jack finally says it back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ianto's dead but Jack is finally ready to admit what he never could whilst Ianto was alive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok folks, this is it. The last chapter in this little series. If you'd like to see more from me, let me know. If you have prompts you want filled, let me know in the comments and I'll try and fill them. I think after this I might just go rewatch Torchwood again, I finished it beginning of March so it's been over a month... It's perfectly valid to start again and pretend it's 2006 and all is right with the world.

Jack had never visited Ianto’s grave before but he found it easily enough. Rhiannon had picked a nice spot in a local church beside his parents, or so Gwen had told him at the time on the day of the funeral. It was odd, ten years had passed already, almost to the day but he could still picture Ianto’s face clearly, he heard his voice in his mind. It was part of the reason he’d never been strong enough to visit before, he was worried that his perfect picture of a happy, young and gorgeous boy would be transformed into grey stone if he saw his grave for himself. It occurred to him then that he always picture Ianto as he looked before he died, in his twenties. He couldn’t imagine what he’d look like now at almost forty. Would his hair be thinning out? Turning grey? Ianto had put on weight in the last few months of their relationship, he’d been so self-conscious of it and Jack had teased him about it. Maybe he’d be chubbier now? A middle-aged gut catching up with him for all the fast food they’d ordered or would he, as he’d declared a week before he died, that he’d stick to a healthier diet and exercise regime. Regardless of weight, Jack couldn’t see Ianto as old and that was almost as painful as looking at a gravestone.

“Hi gorgeous. Did you miss me?” He crouched down till he was eye level with the stone. This was so much harder than he’d thought. To distract himself, he lowered the bunch of violet coloured flowers he’d brough with him and placed them gently. The grave was well manicured and there was another bouquet of flowers in a vase, unlike his parents’ graves which was overgrown and lacked any floral tribute. It was odd that Rhiannon would tidy Ianto’s graves but ignore her parents. He reached for the other flowers and noticed a card jammed between the tightly packed stems of the lilies.

Miss you. Love you. Gwen x

Jack smiled. Trust Gwen to be the one keeping an eye on things. He wondered how often she came. Maybe he’d find her when he was done here and ask. It had been at least five years since he’d seen her last.

“Not to brag but my flowers are much better than Gwen’s. Lilies are boring. These flowers, you’d like them, I actually got them on a planet on the other side of the Galaxy. The whole planet is basically a huge garden centre, they grow every type of flower you could possibly imagine plus a few you’d never from all over the universe. There is sort of a collector’s thing with earth plants which is odd… So anyway, these flowers, believe it or not, were actually harvested from Brecon Beacons by alien visitors, who then grew and nurtured them on another planet, all for me to buy them and bring them back to Wales. It is as close as I’m going to get to exploring the universe with you. I had hoped one day I’d show you the stars and we could travel. Things never quite worked out the way we wanted them to though, did they?” Jack snorted gruffly and sat down. 

It was grey and overcast and the grass was damp, it was soaking through his jeans. He’d started to miss the Welsh weather over the last few years. He wasn’t sure he could ever come back though. Not for good. Ianto’s ghost was in every shadow.

“So, you’re wondering why I’m here. Ten years too late. You always did say my timing could do with some work, right? I needed to tell you something really important… I met someone. I met him a few years ago actually. You’d erm, you’d really like him. He’s like you in a lot of ways… He’s great, I think… I think I actually love him and I never thought I’d feel that for someone else and I knew you’d want to know. You were always worried about me being alone. The reason I came today though was… He asked me to move in with him, I said yes. I realised I was going about everything the wrong way. When he asked me to move in, I remembered that day you asked me to move in with you and I remembered how happy we were in that weird Sleeper Agent alien cult place, worrying about muddy cars and ridiculous lawn competitions… I did want to live with you. I wanted to marry you, have kids, grandkids and watch you grow old but I was- scared.

“There. Are you happy. I said it out loud. I was scared. I thought if I kept you at arm’s length it wouldn’t hurt when you left me… Except, you died and I couldn’t get over it because in place of every good memory we had, I was reminded of all the times I hurt you.” He paused, trying to imagine Ianto’s reply.

“You have no idea how much I regretted it after. I think we would have been happy if I’d let us and I’m sorry I denied you that.” He shifted into a more comfortable position. A tear slipped down his cheek and he let it. He’d cried so many times over Ianto but this time felt different, like it was healing him in some way.

“So I needed to say that I love you and I’m sorry it took me so long to get my head out of arse and actually say it. You told me once that you didn’t think you were anything special but you were to me. I hope you knew that. I know I never said it but I hope you knew that I loved you too, that you meant the world to me. I know I should have told you when you were alive, especially when you needed to hear it.”

In his mind’s eye he could see Ianto grin broadly at him, could picture him excitedly saying the words ‘I love you too, idiot!’ and he smiled.

“So… That’s it really: I wanted to let you know that I hadn’t forgotten you and that I wasn’t alone anymore- the two things that worried you most. I’m almost happy, I think. I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel, you know what I mean? Of course you do. You always know… I really miss you. I just wanted you to know that.

“I have to go now, I promise it will not be ten years before I come back. Night then, gorgeous.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there we are. Not the 'I love you' that Ianto deserved but it's something. I haven't read/listened to House of the Dead yet but I will get round to it at some point. Because I haven't heard that story yet, it felt wrong to include it in this story. It also felt right that when Jack is trying to move on with life and be happy that he'd seek out Ianto's 'permission'. 
> 
> BTW in case anyone is interested, my head canon for the boyfriend that Jack is trying to be happy with is Alonso, from Voyage of the Damned/End of Time (Aka the guy the Doctor introduces Jack to when he's doing his goodbye rounds and finds Jack mourning alone at some space bar. I'm choosing to believe the Doctor didn't just say, "ah Jack lost his grandson and his boyfriend and his job all in the space of a week" and decide to cheer him up with a new boy toy to have sex with but instead knew that Alonso would be able to heal Jack/give him some normality/make him happy. 
> 
> But anyway, here we are. The end has come. Thanks for distracting me for the past eight days by letting me write this, for all the lovely comments and encouragement along the way. I'm tempted to write a COE fix-it involving nanogenes next so we'll see how that pans out. In the meantime, if anyone has any suggestions for new stories, I'm all ears!


End file.
